Sunday, July 6, 2014


I read an article today, 10 Signs You've Found Your Calling. This is something that I've been pondering for a really long time, a couple of years actually, on and off. I believe this is something that I struggle deeply with, as I had pretty much known my calling since birth, and had been living a life accordingly, up until my oldest daughter was hospitalized in January 2011. Since then this topic has been greatly confusing to me. Before, I knew I was meant to be a mother, and that was my soul purpose. Everything I did, from even a really young age, revolved around this. I knew, at a very young age, I would be married to a military man, living in military housing, and raising my children. I worked jobs as a child day car provider, managing a before/after school program for kids in an elementary school. I worked summers as a councilor at a day camp for kids. I went to college and graduated with a bachelors degree in elementary education. I have always been so much more comfortable in general being surrounded by children over adults. I just knew that was my calling, my purpose, anything children related.
After January 2011, all of that became muddled. I think I was in such shock and heartache at seeing someone so young, that I love so dearly, crying out in so much that could not be helped. Knowing that someone of such innocence, so new to this life, could be so riddled with pain and grief that she was begging to just be let go. For the first time in my life, I found myself standing before a scene, realizing so much of what I had thought about the world was so very wrong. That even though there is so much beauty that is entwined throughout our planet, there is equally just as much sadness and darkness. I had no idea what to do with this information, and I still don't.
I am still very in love with any and all children, but my heart has been exposed to the harsh reality that so many of them suffer greatly, simply because of their own bodies. And so many are forgotten. I remember laying in that hospital room in 2011 after my own daughter finally fell asleep during those 6 nights, hearing the many other children on that GI floor screaming out in pain, crying. Many of them alone. This knowledge has scarred me, and changed me, and left me confused.
I no longer feel satisfied in my purpose that I once felt so strongly about. I no longer feel that it applies to me. I now feel that I have things I want to do to make a difference and help these children, but such thinking, thinking other than simply being a housewife and mother to my own children is so foreign to me, that I have no idea what to do with it. I also know that my current purpose is to continue to raise my beautiful girls and continue to help care for my oldest daughter in the way she needs. But I wonder a lot about what my next phase will be, as my whole life is not clearly before me as it use to be. I can sense my soul searching and searching, trying to pinpoint where I need to be placed. It is a disconcerting feeling, not knowing a large part of who you are. Not being able to point your finger and say, that is me. 
How about you? Have you thought much about this topic? What did you think of the article? I did not 100% agree with all that was shared in the article, such as you will not become homeless, or money and things will just fall to you type of thinking, as I don't believe the writer acknowledged that those hardships of being homeless or struggling to get what you need to accomplish your purpose, could very well be a huge part in your purpose. But it was a thought provoking article to read. 

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