This journaling post was created in response to the word prompt clean by The One-Minute Writer. I immediately take this prompt very literal. This is a pretty heavy word for me, being that I suffer from severe contamination OCD. I know a lot of it was triggered because I have a daughter with a compromised immune system, instilling a deep fear of coming across a random germ that will wreak havoc on her. So, clean is my best friend. However, my OCD has gone beyond that point, making it hard for me to actually clean. I feel like it is one of those things where the cause and effect are both one in the same, and therefore, you cannot win. Which, of course, is the natural confusion and illogical workings of this disorder coming to light. My specific (though undiagnosed but very obvious to myself, down to about every symptom), is Contamination OCD, which means touching something germy isn't the only alarming notion in my mind, it is actually based off of proximity to that object. For example, if someone was standing in the middle of a room with a disgustingly dirty sock, dripping of nastiness, I could not walk into that room, and would probably have to clean everything in the entire room due to its contamination from the icky sock. And then shower and wash my hair, several times. Anything dirty related triggers this for me, such as garbage, dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and things that touch the floors outside of my home (mainly because I now associate floors with childrens hospital floors, which I internalize as germ infested).
Even though this disorder can be utterly debilitating, I am actually doing pretty good lately. I take a multivitamin that helps me, and I also meditate and do energy work on myself regularly to help bring down the severity. I am currently working past quite a few of my regular "routines" (which I wont get into in this post, I do want to seem half way normal!). The simple fact that I am starting to change some deeply rooted routines is a huge thing for me, and major progress. It is a disorder that is very hard to explain, as it is, very illogical. I think most assume that if you explain your line of thinking, why you suddenly have to sanitize half the room, that they will get it. The truth of it is, I know that before it even comes out of my mouth, it doesn't make sense. But that is how it is.
Back to the word clean. I love clean. Clean is a solace in my world of being hypersensitive to germs. Being home, showered, and in comfy clean pajamas, is my favorite thing. Throw in a nice hot bowl of oatmeal (my new obsession, I have no explanation) or a hot cup of tea, and I am in heaven! Being clean and around clean things means a calm frame of mind, free from anxiety.