Fault in Our Stars was on TV yesterday, and I watched it. I have been curious about this story since it came out, almost purchased the novel a few times. I think I innately knew that I should not have read this book because I replaced it on the shelf every time after some deep thinking. I can generally handle sad stories such as this one (or My Sister's Keeper) in a movie as opposed to book form. Books are so much more personal; they have their own way of weaving deep into your soul, settling in a way so that you feel it more deeply. I think two hours of sadness is easier to grasp than a few days or weeks until the novel is finished. I am not sure what happened with me and Fault in Our Stars, but it is a story that I really wish I hadn't put into my mind space. I rarely ever find myself thinking that. It has sent me into a depressive state (which I am guessing I was on the cusp of entering anyways) and just cannot get this story out of my mind. I found myself bawling late last night, several times as this story continued to torment my mind. Children sick and suffering has grown into my least favorite thing in our world, so hated that it can make me sick to my stomach and leave me keening and wailing if it were socially acceptable, though to accommodate I have learned to grieve in silence. This is something that I just cannot shake since my own daughter has been placed in that seat by unseen hands. Watching a young one's world being shaped by a disease is something that I think I will always grieve. They don't have that moment in their life to simply see the beauty of the world around them without the heaviness of a broken body, and that breaks my heart. I am quite sure that a lot of my issues are also stemming from a deep soul trauma that has been brought to the surface in this life, raw and bleeding, like a wound that never heals. Watching Fault in Our Stars just reminded me it is there, and I didn't really need to know that.
Well, I have learned a great lesson... I cannot allow myself to indulge in those kinds of stories anymore. I must be more careful in my choices of what I allow to enter in and when. I suppose we should all be that way, even though the sources of pain might be different. Are there stories that you find yourself always avoiding to keep your mind space in a healthier place? I have always avoided grotesque stories, as they do no good for me. I suppose as we get older and grow and change we find ourselves editing the list to accommodate who we are and where we are in the world. I guess it is time to reflect on my own list to be sure that I am making choices that only bring good energy into my life.